Selfish about Ice-cream
Selfish about ice-cream, some people can be. Or chocolate.. Little things, that adorn a childish decor over their personality. I wont go over the various reasons where people make such behavioral choices.
There was one person selfish about time.
I talked to everyone. She came with that list. I made them all introduce themselves to me. By giving myself away bit by bit, I traded their knowledge. What they think of themselves, for that's what defines their actions. But the more secretive someone is, the harder is the deal. And somewhere in my interchanges with her, like the few people I can count on my fingers, I lost myself. Not wholly. But surely.
An introvert by choice, focused by solitude, and intelligent by the lack
of human company fulfilled by books. Durga's eyes. Puffed cheeks like
on the idol. Spectacles. Another person who would fit the description of professor,
and her Classification paper will probably get her there soon. And she did look like a copy of one of our professors.
We had our list of things in common. She idolized the professors, and their way of going about life and talking about stuff, even their expressions. We had our tiny list of confessions that made me believe in her goodness. She hated being called introvert, reacting to it as if it were taboo. On one visit she stayed with us until the Biryani party, hoping to make more friends. Got emotional when it didn't work out much but I knew didn't I. She normalized later. Normalized too soon.
I defended her not that she knew it. People talked behind her back, and each others too, and I felt good for being someone who didn't.
Time is money. It is possible you wont have so much for yourself that you could go around sharing it for others. I did. My fault that I didn't spend it more on things that would have kept it from such feelings. But I did make so many friends and had life changing experiences, it was all worth it. So what if one person couldn't repay me back, what friend am I if I keep such expectations. I certainly didn't make friends for insurance did I..
I didn't. I wanted a story. I have loved making stories. And with her at some point I felt the threads were no longer in my control and so it's me who was actually being selfish with so much expectations from everyone. Especially the girls.
Especially the girls.
Maybe when she confessed her loneliness, there I must have decided the story was interesting, full of complex human emotions and their relations. And there I decided my role in the story would be that of a heart warming friend. Or savior? Or so I believe I must have thought about myself subconsciously. If not, from where else did the feeling of being ignored come from? Tanmay & Puranjoy, why can't I exist like them happily in my reality, having known that there are so many people here who I can have a great time with? Where and when did the feeling of her being an "investment" come to my heart? Maybe its the self loathing that makes me say this.
In the end when things didn't go right, I made sure she knew that I had defended her when people called her selfish, that I would start believing the same thing if she kept ignoring me. This was a couple days back. I wanted attention, to get hold of that thread so I could control the story again. I was about to break that thread. I was selfish. Its still safe and I am so glad. I was a bit broke from other things happening in life.
She may not be selfish with her ice cream and I may never ever get to know that but she is selfish with her time. Never helped a soul with classwork in my entirety of having known her. It's her life after all. The time is her life. It is for us too if we were all to look at it the way she has.
Home, kitchen, college, little brother, study, a little of something, and night. Responsible. Resistant. Routine. But happy. Giving her time to the people and things she truly, deeply cares about. That makes her a real good person and happy. Who am I to call her selfish.
Stand proud. She should. Feeling more awake, I am..
A little reflection.. can do magic.